Birthday Wishes

The last few weeks have been so emotional for me, and frankly a lot of those feelings are sad ones. But the sadness is often all mixed up with overwhelming love and gratitude. So many people have reached out to us--from our dearest friends and family to people we hardly know. Each card, message, comment, phone call, meal, and gift just means the world to me. Each reminds me that we are not alone. And while I have so many things to be grateful for this Thanksgiving, I think I must say I am most thankful for the people in my life and for all you do for my little family. Thank you!

My sisters and I spent hours looking for the perfect white outfit and blanket to dress Daniel in for his burial. We finally found just the right thing, but it didn't compare to the gentle white blanket that God covered his grave and the whole valley with this weekend. Everytime I looked out the window at the falling snow, I felt like the heavens were crying with me. And part of me was hoping it wouldn't stop so I could just be swallowed up in it too. I had Rob drive me to the cemetery this afternoon--I needed a picture to remember this blanket of white on my baby's grave.

I wish I had different news to report, but this is my reality and so I have to tell you about my broken heart tonight. On Saturday morning, I delivered a beautiful baby boy, but he was stillborn. We named him Daniel Robert. He weighed 7 lbs 10 oz and was 19.5 inches long. I have never known such sadness in all my life. What I would give to be taking care of him and to tell him over and over how much I love him. So many people want details and they are painful to relate. I hope that if I can share some here, then I will have to explain it to less people in the future. Don't take that to mean I don't want to talk about it, because I do. But the circumstances are hard to tell over and over again. On Tuesday, I had my 38 week doctor's appointment and all was well. My entire pregnancy has gone so well--hardly a complication in sight. We had a busy week with Halloween and kids home from school Friday and then I've been working as hard as I can to get ready for my bab...

Steven has been on the lookout for amputee themed costumes ever since he decided to have his leg amputated. Here is what he came up with this year--every time we took a picture, he had to pose with a serious face. I mean, cyborgs don't smile, right? He is doing really well. One new development is that his hearing has deteriorated in the last year to the point where the audiologists are recommending hearing aids for him. I have noticed a change, but the thing that has concerned me the most is his speech. I have had his speech evaluated and they told me to first test his hearing, and so I moved up his hearing test (scans and exams are all scheduled for December) and have been working to get that done before the baby comes. Steven isn't too excited about the prospect, but I think he is hoping it will help him. His main concern is that people will stare at him even more. One of his regrets is that he didn't have them for his cyborg costume today. He will get them n...

...we left the hospital, finished with Steven's chemotherapy! I felt scared, and happy, and relieved. A year has gone by and I can't even imagine going back to that place. We have come so far. Steven is doing so well and, in many ways, I've put the cancer and the fear behind me. When I am feeling weak though, fear sometimes finds its way in. But mostly, I have moved on. Of course, even without the cancer variable, there is still so much to worry about. Steven's walking and talking and hearing are the biggies. But even when those concerns weigh me down, I think about Steven who is very happy with life. He's not one bit worried about that kind of stuff. He excitedly told us at dinner how they've switched from soccer to football at recess. His leg doesn't hold him back from trying anything he can. It is hard to believe when I see him now that he took his first real steps without crutches only in March of this year. Since the day he left the hos...

Here is a video that another cancer family made for CureSearch this year. You'll see Steven in it--they filmed it in the spring. If you are planning on joining our virtual team, now's the time. We are just a week and a half away from the walk.

One of the highlights of 2011 for me was doing the CureSearch walk with Steven. We were surrounded by lots of people who came out to support us and it was just an amazing feeling. I was so looking forward to walking again this year, but kept putting off registering a team and getting the ball rolling. Then it turned out that Andrew is going to be baptized that day--at the very same time, and there were no good alternative days we can do the baptism. (Doesn't Andrew look thrilled to be there?) Which reminds me, Steven is really bummed we can't do the walk this year. He was really looking forward to actually walking this year! In my attempt to do a little something, I have set up a team for Steven, although we will only be there virtually. We invite any of you to join the team--you can just donate or you are welcome to go to the walk. It is on September 29th at 9am and will be at Sugarhouse park this year. We plan to walk every year in the future, so for those of...