Birthday Wishes

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed tonight.   I was lump-like on the couch looking at the mess surrounding me and I felt like I needed to escape to stay sane.   I headed to the cemetery and  walked around in the twilight,  feeling like a miserable failure.  I was angry at myself that I couldn't muster more energy, I heard Alisa's voice tell me, "Don't be mad at yourself, Sonja."  It struck me again what a gift her last words to me were.  I don't think I've written down yet the story of her last words to me.  I say "last words" a little loosely, as we had a conversation about many things on that last day she was conscious.  She asked me to write her obituary and to help Josh pick a headstone.  She told me that she wanted a plain headstone with nothing on it "Not even my name."  She was not entirely herself that day and some of the things she said she weren't quite right. Her friend, Jennie, had texted me and told me that I should...

Several years back, Alisa had this fun idea to have an "originals" day trip to Lava Hot Springs.  So my siblings and parents (without spouses or kids) all met in Idaho.  It was so much fun.  I have so many siblings and we are spread out enough that our parents used to take us on separate vacations.  We think that this was the first and only vacation that was with all of us and only us.   It was such a fun memory.  Alisa and I often talked about doing it again with our kids some summer day.  But it seemed like there was always something else (like cancer treatments) holding us back.   One day in July I suddenly had the thought that we should make that trip happen for Alisa and her boys.  I almost felt like she had whispered the idea in my ear.  So I set a date and made plans.  And we did it!  It was a rainy day, but the hot springs make all the water warmer so it was really fun and not crowded at all.  We all pushed past so...

It's been two months today since Alisa's death.  I still have moments where the reality of it hits me hard.  The other day I felt I had a glimpse of many decades left of my life, all without her.  It took my breath away.  But mostly I can move forward (slowly) and go on with life.  I know I need to spend more time processing and grieving her loss, but I find that life has a way of pulling me along in it's swift current. I've been wanted to post a few pictures from the graveside of Alisa's funeral.  I know we didn't take enough pictures--she was the picture person in the family, and I know we didn't fully capture the full depth of loss or the love that so many showed for her and her family.  I know there are many of you who weren't able to be at the funeral and more that weren't at the graveside service, so here are a few pictures to help you visualize that day and to remember her.     

Steven had scans on Friday and thankfully, they were normal.  As you can see from the picture, the new scanner has a pirate themed makeover.  As we sat there listening to the machine tell Steven when to breath and when to stop breathing,  I couldn't help but think of an amusement park ride and how much scarier this is than anything you could strap me into there.   But in all seriousness, the weeks leading up to Friday have been tough.  I've known anxiety in the past, but this was getting a little out of hand.  If I wasn't careful, my mind would project a dismal future where Steven and I both had cancer, Rob lost his job, we went bankrupt, divorced and I was in a straight jacket in an institution.  Once Rob told me that thoughts like that were the opposite of praying.  I've thought a lot about that and so I started praying instead. The night before the scans, I knelt in prayer and as I was telling God that I really missed Alisa and how much I neede...

I've been missing Alisa fiercely the past few days.  When I get very busy, the feeling might subside a bit, but when I slow down, it hits me so hard.  Josh posted this slideshow that my sisters made for her viewing.  I watched it for the first time tonight and can hardly stand that she is gone.  I still had so much to tell her and she had so much to teach me.   If you watch the video, one thing you'll notice is how many lovely pictures she has.  She has often told me to take more pictures, and even though I'm self conscious about pictures of myself, she encouraged me to take more.  If I said I looked too old, she told me I would only get older.  And she was right--I'm so glad she took so many.  I look into her eyes in these pictures and remember her.  I'll try to do better. Right now a picture of me wouldn't be so lovely.  The weight of grief shows in my eyes and shoulders.  I find myself reminding me to smile.  I don't kn...

In the life sketch  I wrote for Alisa's funeral, I mentioned that she was a huge help to our family when Steven first got diagnosed with cancer.  I may have also posted some of these stories, but as I was talking to some of my cousins at the funeral, it seemed they hadn't heard them, and so I thought I'd better write it out all together. Steven was diagnosed with bone cancer on February 16,  2011.  He had been limping and one evening, I noticed his knee was swollen.  The next morning I made an appointment with the pediatrician and picked Steven up from school.  I never in a million years expected to hear he had cancer.  An xray revealed a bone tumor and the doctor broke the news to me gently.  I sat in the waiting room while the office set up appointments for us at the children's hospital.  I was stunned and at this point didn't realize it was cancer.  I did the only thing I could think of, I texted Alisa.  "Steven has a bone tumor....

I wrote this back in January and am going to post it as I wrote it then.  Since then, I feel like I have things to add, plus it needs to be edited, but I don't have the energy for that right now, so you get it as is.  If any of you have insights from your life, I'd love to hear about them. January 16, 2015 I was able to spend the evening with Alisa last night. She called me and asked if I would come and help her plan her funeral. I was honored and heartbroken and anxious to help, all these things. You can imagine the thoughts running through my mind. We laughed and cried that night.  I look like I've got a decade of trouble on my mind and she is as gorgeous as ever, even as we talked about life going on after her death.   But this morning I want to write about our conversation about grief. She is so worried about the pain that her death would cause to her family, her boys and Josh especially, but for everyone. We talked about grief a little and she asked me to w...